Guilt and Innocence
One of the concepts that we work with in the Constellation Approach are the feelings of ‘Guilt and Innocence’ in connection to our families and relationships. Bert Hellinger taught us that “all growth will include guilty feelings.” As we move through life and begin to individuate from our Family Energy Field we start to make different choices than the family expectations. It is impossible to remain the innocent daughter or son while becoming our own person. Growth into our own sense of self requires the loss of our innocence. A few examples of this are when we begin tasting the fruits that life has to offer such as the exploration of our sexuality or attraction to other ethnic groups or religions than those of our family’s. In order to experience a larger understanding of life, we become guilty in small ways of betraying our family’s values and belief systems.
On the other hand, if we remain loyal to our family’s ideals, we can hold onto a sense of innocence. We choose occupations that are approved by our parents, partners to whom our parents give their blessing and remain true to our ancestor’s religious traditions. We may even live within the appropriate distance from our families without a word ever being spoken of their desires for us to do so. All that keeps us feeling innocent or activates the feelings of guilt is held within the consciousness of the Family Energy Field.
When we partner with another person, our sense of innocence becomes challenged again — how children are raised, money is handled, conflict resolved and even where to spend Thanksgiving — can become profound tests of staying innocent in relation to our family of origin’s way versus that of our partner’s.
Guilt is the price we pay in order to grow and move past a limiting conscience that keeps us back. When we hold our guilt with dignity, truthfulness and an honest sense of pride, we honor ourselves along with the ideals of where we have come.
How have you grown in this life? What have you had to leave behind in order to grow? Who have you left in order to move on? Were there feelings of guilt when you did?
Reflect upon these questions. If there is someone from your past with whom you are carrying guilty feelings, try practicing this: recall the events surrounding the situation and the person(s) involved. Breathe for several full breaths, slowing down your body and mind. Quietly, thank them for the time that you spent together as well as what you learned from the relationship — honoring them and yourself for all that each experienced during the relationship. In your mind, say to them. “I will take the gift of this relationship and the knowledge that I gained and build upon it.” “I am moving on with my life in a different way.” Over the next few minutes imagine the person(s) image fading away. Consider practicing this exercise a number of times over the course of several days, if need be, until you feel complete.
